Same Old Problem, New Day

One of the biggest struggles I've had with this whole "single parenting" thing is finding the right balance between my devotion to my boys and my desire to teach them that the world doesn't revolve around them. I try so hard to keep the boys and H happy, to make sure that they feel as loved as they are. It's pretty amazing to me how much time I actually spend thinking about their moods and ways to make things work better for everyone.

I have never wanted to spoil my kids, to make them feel as if they are the center of the universe. But now that I'm the only one raising them, they are the center of my world. At times I try to balance it all by showing them that I have needs of my own-like sitting down and reading a full page of a flippin' book without being interrupted. But my attempts always seem to backfire; they seem to feel as if they're not wanted.

I just can't quite get a grasp on how to show them all the love and devotion I feel for them without letting them run my life. I have fully accepted the sacrifices a single mom makes, but H and I should also be able to watch a movie or finish a conversation without constant interruption. It's not like these boys are toddlers. But, I guess when it comes to this issue, they kind of are that needy. Problem is, this Mom only has so much attention to apply in one day and their needs seem to double that. Guess it's part of them needing-or being used to having-two parents instead of one.

Maybe someday we'll all accept that we're stuck with just me.

Not Wanting it to End

For the first time in a while, I felt like we were a family. I felt that life was balanced and everyone was happy. Too often lately I have felt like my life is divided into pieces, and it ends of tearing me apart. Today was different. I felt more loved, more at ease knowing that I wasn't pulled in different directions. And at the end of the day, I received the perfect text from Honey saying what I most needed to hear.

Being in this no-mans-land between dating and marriage is hard on me. Add to that the screwed-up post-divorce workings of my brain and I feel like an emotional mine field. The sane side of me wishes we'd make the leap; the non-commital freak side waits for him to walk away. I think the hardest part is that we don't talk about it, but at the same time, my emotionally scarred side likes it that way.

But today I was at peace. I just really don't want it to end.

Feeling More Like Mommy Dearest than June Cleaver

Have you ever felt like you're just a puppet and somewhere your master is laughing his ass off? I do. Often.

When I felt like I was good at the whole "marriage" thing, someone yanked a string and said, "Now try dating!"

Just when I felt I had mastered the art of raising kids, someone said, "Ha Ha, now try pre-teens...alone!"

I was a stay home Mom rockstar, now I'm more like the rockstar's overworked, under-appreciated assistant.

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt like I'm failing miserably at life. The kids feel like all I do is nag, I feel like Honey wants to run for the hills, and I am sinking in a pile of shit at work.

I've always been a firm believer in balance. When life seemed off-kilter, I could make a little adjustment and return balance-and peace. Now I feel as though every slight adjustment I make just causes a misalignment elsewhere.

I try to get the boys to be more responsible with their chores and homework, and end up feeling like Joan Crawford. This parenting alone shit sucks! How exactly do you discipline and enforce rules AND be the caring loving one-all the time. I'm clearly missing out on some secret trick of the trade.

I try to spend a little more time with Honey. That obviously fails as it leaves the boys feeling like I never hang with them, AND I'm typically just fucking up one thing or another anyway. I try to make him dinner cause he's working late, only I don't get it done in time. I take off early so I'll have time to cook on a busy night, and someone else rearranges my plans. I seriously can't think of one reason he is with me. AND, I'm glad he doesn't read this blog cause I certainly don't want to point that out to him.

I bust my ass day after day trying to get caught up at work, but something is always in the way. It's usually incompetent coworkers throwing me curve-balls, but that's another rant.

People! I need your help. How the hell do you balance it all?!? Did someone put a hex on me? Is there some kind of chant or dance I can do to get this off me? Must I burn sage and march backward? Seriously, I will try anything to cleanse my life of this perpetual unbalanced-ness.

I used to be good at things. I really miss that.

I Think Aliens Abducted My Pre-Teen

Four months ago, Punkin would have cringed at the thought of hugging me. The Rat Bastard had pretty much destroyed our relationship during his move; Punkin found it easy to lay blame for all his troubles on my shoulders. It was a tough time around our house. I'm knocking on wood as I say this, but it seems like we are headed toward better days.

The boys just returned from their first 6 week visit with their Dad. The day after his picked them up at the airport, he drove them 4 hours away to their grandparents and left them there for the entire 6 weeks. Sure he visited them on his days off, but it wasn't exactly what they had in mind. I'm not certain if it was that experience or just the reaction to being away from his Mom for so long, but Punkin came back a changed boy. Either he was abducted by aliens or he gained a better appreciation for his Mom. Just today, he hugged me 3 times. Yes, he hugged me three whole times. He also begged Honey and I to play with him in the pool and didn't complain once about me waking him at the crack of dawn to go eat breakfast. And no, you could not wipe the smile off my face.

Now, I am well aware that the appreciation and affection may wear off over time. I'm not getting my hopes up that I finally have my son back for good. The therapist appointments have already been scheduled. But, this was a well-needed break no matter what happens.

Learning how to parent on your own is hard. Doing it with the drama Rat Bastard infused before he left made it near impossible. But it really feels like our new little family has turned a corner. I welcome the normal ups and downs of raising a teen compared to what we have been through. It is wonderful to be able to say, once again, that I have made it through the shit of what life has to offer, and came out on the other side with more love and laughter than I thought possible.

History Has Taught Me Well...and Screwed With My Head

Honey said something tonight that really let me know where we stand. It was disheartening. Rather than panic, I chose to let all of his words sink in.

We were discussing Punkin's feelings toward him, and how it's not that he doesn't like him so much as he just doesn't like the idea of me being married to anyone. That's when Honey said, "He needs to not worry about it. It's not like we're ready to get married. I'd like to marry you some day, but right now just isn't the right time. When it's right we'll know it." So, let's just dissect this piece by piece:

"It's not like we're ready to get married." - This is where my heart sank and my brain set off warning signals-RUN! GET OUT NOW, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

"I'd like to marry you some day, but right now just isn't the time." - He who has always condemned marriage just said he'd like to marry me someday? Really?!? Interesting turn. This is where my heart rate went back to normal and the panic stopped.

"When it's right, we'll know it."- I'm really not sure where I stand on this one. A large part of me has always believed this to be true in everything, from picking a husband to choosing a Christmas tree. I have always been a wait-for-the-sign kinda girl. However, lately, I've been leaning more towards the there's-no-such-thing-as-the-perfect-time philosophy. I'm not quite sure where marriage fits in this change of mindset. Something to contemplate.

During our entire relationship, I've run into these milestones that I am ready to jump at, and he has held off. It was the same when I knew I loved him. I had to bite my tongue NOT to say it; I knew he just wasn't ready. I almost went into self-destruct mode, torturing myself about why he didn't feel the same and doubting that I really knew how much he cared. (It takes very little for me to begin doubting that I know how he feels about me. If I was so grossly wrong before, who's to say I'm right to let myself be so vulnerable now? (It's a particularly nasty divorce leftover.) I think I've learned to just slow it down and enjoy this time. He was right to hold off before; I definitely loved him more the day I finally said it than when I first realized it. He is making the right choices for us, so now it's my job to keep my feet on the ground and love the man I am with-no matter where it's going.