Same Old Problem, New Day

One of the biggest struggles I've had with this whole "single parenting" thing is finding the right balance between my devotion to my boys and my desire to teach them that the world doesn't revolve around them. I try so hard to keep the boys and H happy, to make sure that they feel as loved as they are. It's pretty amazing to me how much time I actually spend thinking about their moods and ways to make things work better for everyone.

I have never wanted to spoil my kids, to make them feel as if they are the center of the universe. But now that I'm the only one raising them, they are the center of my world. At times I try to balance it all by showing them that I have needs of my own-like sitting down and reading a full page of a flippin' book without being interrupted. But my attempts always seem to backfire; they seem to feel as if they're not wanted.

I just can't quite get a grasp on how to show them all the love and devotion I feel for them without letting them run my life. I have fully accepted the sacrifices a single mom makes, but H and I should also be able to watch a movie or finish a conversation without constant interruption. It's not like these boys are toddlers. But, I guess when it comes to this issue, they kind of are that needy. Problem is, this Mom only has so much attention to apply in one day and their needs seem to double that. Guess it's part of them needing-or being used to having-two parents instead of one.

Maybe someday we'll all accept that we're stuck with just me.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my 33rd birthday. I didn't exactly get any gifts from the men in my life-my boys or my Honey. Men just sort of suck at the gift giving thing. But despite that, and all my whining, I certainly feel loved and appreciated. Let me explain.

We had a horrible week. We have good weeks and bad weeks, and I try to balance them the best I can. But, this week sucked. I was over-the-top busy at work with an all-day staff retreat, a major proposal due, and a deadline looming for the switch over to a new time tracking system. We had parent/teacher conferences on a night when Honey and I also got into a fight due to complete ridiculous-ness on both our parts. Another day, my computer crashed and lost all my updates on the 80+ page proposal that I had worked on until midnight, and I got the call no Mom wants from the school- "Mom, I think I broke my wrist." Needless to say, I didn't meet the deadline to ship the proposal, and spent the whole night in Urgent Care. (Punkin either cracked or chipped a bone in his wrist. We see an ortho on Tuesday.) After a week of virtually no sleep, I have been spent, stressed, and bitchy.

When you read that, you only see the complete shit which was my week. What you don't see are the wonderful occurances. Even though Honey didn't have the time (or any good ideas) for a gift, he certainly went out of his way to make me feel special. He brought me a coffee on Saturday morning to celebrate my birthday weekend, danced with me last night, and showed up with a ton of tulips and made breakfast this morning. Even though the boys didn't buy me a gift, Bugger-Butt made me a lovely origami heart and Punkin came to me very first thing this morning to tell me happy birthday. Despite our crazy, bitchy, painful week, they love me. They made sure that I know that.

Yesterday, I was all doom and gloom about this day coming and knowing that there would be no gifts. I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself because I don't have the money to go out and buy myself any of the things I need and want. I live a life surrounded by men, and I know they are challenged when it comes to gift giving. But, I feel loved. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of understanding that their brains don't work like mine and they are doing their best.

 As it turns out, their best is perfectly good enough to make a woman like me perfectly happy.

Desperate Times

It has been quite a while since I posted a blog. I'll blame life. It just feels like I am always moving and trying to sneak in a few moments of alone time. I'm desperately in need of several things at this point-sleep, affection/romance, and "me" time. That being said, I've done a pretty damn good job of getting out of my head and making some changes.

First off, bed times are set in stone. Lord do I love the boys being back in school. I have instilled a strict bedtime and have been enforcing if for myself, too. The days this week that I had plenty of sleep were much more enjoyable. The one night with little down time or sleep led to a very crabby-ass woman passing out on the couch at 9 pm. Now if only I can stick to our new bedtime, I might actually survive (before, I wasn't so sure).

Getting affection or romance is a whole other story. It's just not a good time for that. Honey started his new job, is still working part time at his old job while they close up shop, and has been doing contract work for a third company on weekends. I'm lucky he still remembers my name! However, in one week, we will actually have a few nights alone. My concern is that if I don't get some genuine affection and sweet-talkin' before then, I won't be interested in utilizing that alone time (if you know what I mean). I hate having to have sex on a schedule. What's worse is fitting in a quickie just to fill a physical need that leaves me feeling even more desperate emotionally. Lord do I wish I was the kind of woman who is more physically driven than emotionally, but damn it, I'm not.

"Me" time is something I am considering. Although I am trying to spend as little money as possible, I am contemplating a treat for myself while Rat Basterd is in town. Getting a haircut is a must, but I'm thinking something along the lines of a massage or body scrub. I'm even thinking that I might be all alone on Labor Day. I'm trying not to get too excited. But, I'm really really excited by the thought that I might get to grab my very favorite food (it's been at least 7 months since I had it), and spend the whole day in bed like a slug, doing what I want to do. Not caring for 1 tiny second what someone else wants or needs to do. This day that I dream about is all about me!

No matter what, during these desperate times, I have many blessings and know I'm loved. Now if I could get some sleep, I might actually be able to express that to the ones I love!

Back to Bliss

A truely amazing day around here. We worked hard and had some disappointment, but it felt like we did it all together. It's hard to put it in to words. There wasn't a moment that I felt unappreciated or unloved-by Honey or the boys. Everyone was just happy and considerate and caring. Honey is such a huge part of this family, and today served as a perfect reminder of that. I needed today to happen. It brought me the peace that has been missing all week.

I'm a Needy Freak

Here I thought my funk was gone, then I watched a chick flick, Dear John. Instead of making me all warm and fuzzy, it left me calling bullshit.

That is so far from reality. Are you kidding me with this whole "he loves her forever" crap?!? When exactly does that happen?

What's really bothering me is that I feel this way. I'm typically such a romantic, and I just can't figure out why I have so many negative feelings about this subject right now. I'm in love with an amazing man. As the boys would say, "he practically lives here." I still melt when he sends a sweet text, and abosultely cannot get enough of him. So...

Is it just the transition of going from just the two of us to having 3 kids around? Perhaps.

Is he showing less affection? I don't think so. He doesn't exactly scoop me up into a bear hug like he used to-like he's so glad I'm still around-whenever I show up. But that's normal, settling in to day to day life behavior.

Is he under a lot of stress right now? Yes, for sure.

Am I terrified of him leaving? Yes. Do I have any reason to think he is? No. 

Maybe I'm just a little more freaked at the thought now that I'm certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Could be that. All I know is that I am craving romance like mad. I'm desperate for some sort of meaningful something that makes me feel like he's just as committed as I am. I don't need a ring or a proposal-that stuff can all wait. I just want to feel like he's in this.

He hasn't done anything wrong-not a single thing. So I just don't understand my feelings right now.

For whatever reason, I just need loads of reassurance right now. Really sucks being a girl sometimes.