Feeling More Like Mommy Dearest than June Cleaver

Have you ever felt like you're just a puppet and somewhere your master is laughing his ass off? I do. Often.

When I felt like I was good at the whole "marriage" thing, someone yanked a string and said, "Now try dating!"

Just when I felt I had mastered the art of raising kids, someone said, "Ha Ha, now try pre-teens...alone!"

I was a stay home Mom rockstar, now I'm more like the rockstar's overworked, under-appreciated assistant.

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt like I'm failing miserably at life. The kids feel like all I do is nag, I feel like Honey wants to run for the hills, and I am sinking in a pile of shit at work.

I've always been a firm believer in balance. When life seemed off-kilter, I could make a little adjustment and return balance-and peace. Now I feel as though every slight adjustment I make just causes a misalignment elsewhere.

I try to get the boys to be more responsible with their chores and homework, and end up feeling like Joan Crawford. This parenting alone shit sucks! How exactly do you discipline and enforce rules AND be the caring loving one-all the time. I'm clearly missing out on some secret trick of the trade.

I try to spend a little more time with Honey. That obviously fails as it leaves the boys feeling like I never hang with them, AND I'm typically just fucking up one thing or another anyway. I try to make him dinner cause he's working late, only I don't get it done in time. I take off early so I'll have time to cook on a busy night, and someone else rearranges my plans. I seriously can't think of one reason he is with me. AND, I'm glad he doesn't read this blog cause I certainly don't want to point that out to him.

I bust my ass day after day trying to get caught up at work, but something is always in the way. It's usually incompetent coworkers throwing me curve-balls, but that's another rant.

People! I need your help. How the hell do you balance it all?!? Did someone put a hex on me? Is there some kind of chant or dance I can do to get this off me? Must I burn sage and march backward? Seriously, I will try anything to cleanse my life of this perpetual unbalanced-ness.

I used to be good at things. I really miss that.

How a Preteen can Drive You Nuts in Only One Day

Step One: When told to clean the basement after their party (IF you are already crazy enough to let them invite 11 friends over), they only pick up 5 things per time you tell them to do it.

Step Two: When preparing for a walk to the ponds for an afternoon of fishing, the hover impatiently. Their response to being told that they can go ahead and walk over if they'd like is, "No offense, but I'll wait because I don't want Bugger Butt to go with me."

Step Three: To allow them their independence, you allow them to fish in a separate location than everyone else. While passing them on a quick walk with the dog, they say that they're ready to leave and you remind them that the door is locked and they'll need to go grab the key from your bag. They pack up and leave without the key and then text or call every 5 minutes for the rest of your fishing trip because they are locked out of the house.

Step Four: When someone else at dinner compliments the rice they speak up to say, "No offense, but the rice really has no flavor at all."

Step Five: When it is discovered that they are missing 3 assignments in Language Arts, they inform you that you really should have been tougher on them about their grades this year.

Step Six: After completing the above assignments, the proceed to take their dessert downstairs which is clearly forbidden. When comfronted, they say that its not fair because Bugger Butt's friend took food down there last week. (Bugger Butt and his friend were reprimanded for their actions in front of the pre-teen.)

There you have it folks, six ways that a preteen can drive you nuts in one day. Is it bedtime yet? I'm really not looking forward to step seven!