Same Old Problem, New Day

One of the biggest struggles I've had with this whole "single parenting" thing is finding the right balance between my devotion to my boys and my desire to teach them that the world doesn't revolve around them. I try so hard to keep the boys and H happy, to make sure that they feel as loved as they are. It's pretty amazing to me how much time I actually spend thinking about their moods and ways to make things work better for everyone.

I have never wanted to spoil my kids, to make them feel as if they are the center of the universe. But now that I'm the only one raising them, they are the center of my world. At times I try to balance it all by showing them that I have needs of my own-like sitting down and reading a full page of a flippin' book without being interrupted. But my attempts always seem to backfire; they seem to feel as if they're not wanted.

I just can't quite get a grasp on how to show them all the love and devotion I feel for them without letting them run my life. I have fully accepted the sacrifices a single mom makes, but H and I should also be able to watch a movie or finish a conversation without constant interruption. It's not like these boys are toddlers. But, I guess when it comes to this issue, they kind of are that needy. Problem is, this Mom only has so much attention to apply in one day and their needs seem to double that. Guess it's part of them needing-or being used to having-two parents instead of one.

Maybe someday we'll all accept that we're stuck with just me.

Feeling More Like Mommy Dearest than June Cleaver

Have you ever felt like you're just a puppet and somewhere your master is laughing his ass off? I do. Often.

When I felt like I was good at the whole "marriage" thing, someone yanked a string and said, "Now try dating!"

Just when I felt I had mastered the art of raising kids, someone said, "Ha Ha, now try pre-teens...alone!"

I was a stay home Mom rockstar, now I'm more like the rockstar's overworked, under-appreciated assistant.

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt like I'm failing miserably at life. The kids feel like all I do is nag, I feel like Honey wants to run for the hills, and I am sinking in a pile of shit at work.

I've always been a firm believer in balance. When life seemed off-kilter, I could make a little adjustment and return balance-and peace. Now I feel as though every slight adjustment I make just causes a misalignment elsewhere.

I try to get the boys to be more responsible with their chores and homework, and end up feeling like Joan Crawford. This parenting alone shit sucks! How exactly do you discipline and enforce rules AND be the caring loving one-all the time. I'm clearly missing out on some secret trick of the trade.

I try to spend a little more time with Honey. That obviously fails as it leaves the boys feeling like I never hang with them, AND I'm typically just fucking up one thing or another anyway. I try to make him dinner cause he's working late, only I don't get it done in time. I take off early so I'll have time to cook on a busy night, and someone else rearranges my plans. I seriously can't think of one reason he is with me. AND, I'm glad he doesn't read this blog cause I certainly don't want to point that out to him.

I bust my ass day after day trying to get caught up at work, but something is always in the way. It's usually incompetent coworkers throwing me curve-balls, but that's another rant.

People! I need your help. How the hell do you balance it all?!? Did someone put a hex on me? Is there some kind of chant or dance I can do to get this off me? Must I burn sage and march backward? Seriously, I will try anything to cleanse my life of this perpetual unbalanced-ness.

I used to be good at things. I really miss that.

Desperate Times

It has been quite a while since I posted a blog. I'll blame life. It just feels like I am always moving and trying to sneak in a few moments of alone time. I'm desperately in need of several things at this point-sleep, affection/romance, and "me" time. That being said, I've done a pretty damn good job of getting out of my head and making some changes.

First off, bed times are set in stone. Lord do I love the boys being back in school. I have instilled a strict bedtime and have been enforcing if for myself, too. The days this week that I had plenty of sleep were much more enjoyable. The one night with little down time or sleep led to a very crabby-ass woman passing out on the couch at 9 pm. Now if only I can stick to our new bedtime, I might actually survive (before, I wasn't so sure).

Getting affection or romance is a whole other story. It's just not a good time for that. Honey started his new job, is still working part time at his old job while they close up shop, and has been doing contract work for a third company on weekends. I'm lucky he still remembers my name! However, in one week, we will actually have a few nights alone. My concern is that if I don't get some genuine affection and sweet-talkin' before then, I won't be interested in utilizing that alone time (if you know what I mean). I hate having to have sex on a schedule. What's worse is fitting in a quickie just to fill a physical need that leaves me feeling even more desperate emotionally. Lord do I wish I was the kind of woman who is more physically driven than emotionally, but damn it, I'm not.

"Me" time is something I am considering. Although I am trying to spend as little money as possible, I am contemplating a treat for myself while Rat Basterd is in town. Getting a haircut is a must, but I'm thinking something along the lines of a massage or body scrub. I'm even thinking that I might be all alone on Labor Day. I'm trying not to get too excited. But, I'm really really excited by the thought that I might get to grab my very favorite food (it's been at least 7 months since I had it), and spend the whole day in bed like a slug, doing what I want to do. Not caring for 1 tiny second what someone else wants or needs to do. This day that I dream about is all about me!

No matter what, during these desperate times, I have many blessings and know I'm loved. Now if I could get some sleep, I might actually be able to express that to the ones I love!

Back to Bliss

A truely amazing day around here. We worked hard and had some disappointment, but it felt like we did it all together. It's hard to put it in to words. There wasn't a moment that I felt unappreciated or unloved-by Honey or the boys. Everyone was just happy and considerate and caring. Honey is such a huge part of this family, and today served as a perfect reminder of that. I needed today to happen. It brought me the peace that has been missing all week.

General Discontent

I am having a rough time getting back into the swing of things with the boys being back. I'm bitchy and frustrated about so many things. It could be the lack of sleep, the fact that my "to do" list has returned to it's usually long state,  that work just sucks, or that Honey and I are back to NO alone time and affection. It's all just weighing on me this week, and I can't seem to get it out of my head. I'm frustrated by the way Honey and I live. I'm frustrated that Bugger Butt feels like he's not getting enough time with me, I'm frustrated that my little bitch of a babysitter bailed 2 days before she was supposed to start work. I'm frustrated that my house looks like a fucking pig sty because noone is picking up after themselves. I'm frustrated that I have so many things to do at work while others screw every little thing up. I'm frustrated that I work my ass off all day and then come home to a million more things needing to be done and have zero energy to do it.

This week, I'm just an ungrateful bitch. But, on the bright side, my sulky pre-teen came back with a great attitude.