Not Wanting it to End

For the first time in a while, I felt like we were a family. I felt that life was balanced and everyone was happy. Too often lately I have felt like my life is divided into pieces, and it ends of tearing me apart. Today was different. I felt more loved, more at ease knowing that I wasn't pulled in different directions. And at the end of the day, I received the perfect text from Honey saying what I most needed to hear.

Being in this no-mans-land between dating and marriage is hard on me. Add to that the screwed-up post-divorce workings of my brain and I feel like an emotional mine field. The sane side of me wishes we'd make the leap; the non-commital freak side waits for him to walk away. I think the hardest part is that we don't talk about it, but at the same time, my emotionally scarred side likes it that way.

But today I was at peace. I just really don't want it to end.

Feeling More Like Mommy Dearest than June Cleaver

Have you ever felt like you're just a puppet and somewhere your master is laughing his ass off? I do. Often.

When I felt like I was good at the whole "marriage" thing, someone yanked a string and said, "Now try dating!"

Just when I felt I had mastered the art of raising kids, someone said, "Ha Ha, now try pre-teens...alone!"

I was a stay home Mom rockstar, now I'm more like the rockstar's overworked, under-appreciated assistant.

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt like I'm failing miserably at life. The kids feel like all I do is nag, I feel like Honey wants to run for the hills, and I am sinking in a pile of shit at work.

I've always been a firm believer in balance. When life seemed off-kilter, I could make a little adjustment and return balance-and peace. Now I feel as though every slight adjustment I make just causes a misalignment elsewhere.

I try to get the boys to be more responsible with their chores and homework, and end up feeling like Joan Crawford. This parenting alone shit sucks! How exactly do you discipline and enforce rules AND be the caring loving one-all the time. I'm clearly missing out on some secret trick of the trade.

I try to spend a little more time with Honey. That obviously fails as it leaves the boys feeling like I never hang with them, AND I'm typically just fucking up one thing or another anyway. I try to make him dinner cause he's working late, only I don't get it done in time. I take off early so I'll have time to cook on a busy night, and someone else rearranges my plans. I seriously can't think of one reason he is with me. AND, I'm glad he doesn't read this blog cause I certainly don't want to point that out to him.

I bust my ass day after day trying to get caught up at work, but something is always in the way. It's usually incompetent coworkers throwing me curve-balls, but that's another rant.

People! I need your help. How the hell do you balance it all?!? Did someone put a hex on me? Is there some kind of chant or dance I can do to get this off me? Must I burn sage and march backward? Seriously, I will try anything to cleanse my life of this perpetual unbalanced-ness.

I used to be good at things. I really miss that.

History Has Taught Me Well...and Screwed With My Head

Honey said something tonight that really let me know where we stand. It was disheartening. Rather than panic, I chose to let all of his words sink in.

We were discussing Punkin's feelings toward him, and how it's not that he doesn't like him so much as he just doesn't like the idea of me being married to anyone. That's when Honey said, "He needs to not worry about it. It's not like we're ready to get married. I'd like to marry you some day, but right now just isn't the right time. When it's right we'll know it." So, let's just dissect this piece by piece:

"It's not like we're ready to get married." - This is where my heart sank and my brain set off warning signals-RUN! GET OUT NOW, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

"I'd like to marry you some day, but right now just isn't the time." - He who has always condemned marriage just said he'd like to marry me someday? Really?!? Interesting turn. This is where my heart rate went back to normal and the panic stopped.

"When it's right, we'll know it."- I'm really not sure where I stand on this one. A large part of me has always believed this to be true in everything, from picking a husband to choosing a Christmas tree. I have always been a wait-for-the-sign kinda girl. However, lately, I've been leaning more towards the there's-no-such-thing-as-the-perfect-time philosophy. I'm not quite sure where marriage fits in this change of mindset. Something to contemplate.

During our entire relationship, I've run into these milestones that I am ready to jump at, and he has held off. It was the same when I knew I loved him. I had to bite my tongue NOT to say it; I knew he just wasn't ready. I almost went into self-destruct mode, torturing myself about why he didn't feel the same and doubting that I really knew how much he cared. (It takes very little for me to begin doubting that I know how he feels about me. If I was so grossly wrong before, who's to say I'm right to let myself be so vulnerable now? (It's a particularly nasty divorce leftover.) I think I've learned to just slow it down and enjoy this time. He was right to hold off before; I definitely loved him more the day I finally said it than when I first realized it. He is making the right choices for us, so now it's my job to keep my feet on the ground and love the man I am with-no matter where it's going.

Is It the Wine or PMS

Tonight's rambling blog is brought to you by Two Rivers Chardonnay...or perhaps PMS. If the wine is behind these twisted thoughts, then perhaps this is simply a rambling of the truth that I am coming to realize. If it is PMS, then Mother Nature is an evil bitch who loves playing with my mind. You see, I've been thinking...

I wish we were heading towards marriage. . There it is....the innermost workings of my brain written out for the entire world to see.

If you knew me, you would probably be gasping for air right now. And, there's a reason that no one who actually knows me reads this blog. (Shh...it's a secret.) This is my place to let out the truely irrational thoughts which possess my mind. If I told my closest friends, they'd begin planning a wedding. They'd ask questions that I don't want to answer. Something like, "When are you getting married?" or "When is he going to propose?" Both questions that bug the hell out of me. I'm just not the type of girl who dreams of weddings-actually, I hate them. I never, ever thought that I would actually want to share my life with someone again. I mean never. Since my very first night on my own, I have loved it. I mean really, really enjoyed life.

 Is it the fact that we've just spent our first significant amount of time alone together? Am I afraid that I won't be content with our "normal" life once the kids return? (Seriously, it's like we're married-without the sex or anything nearing affection.) Or...are these just irrational girlie thoughts brought on by an extreme case of PMS? The problem is I DON'T KNOW.

I have actually found myself picturing us getting married! This is odd behavior for me. I am much more likely to picture horrid, awful things happening. I've been known to actually consider what I would do if I lost someone I loved-as in plan out every detail. I am constantly planning in my head (planning is an obsession of mine). I anticipate the worst possible scenario and plan how best to cope with it. It's who I am-the person who is always waiting for the bottom to drop out of my perfect life.  I'm just sick and twisted that way. But this? Weddings? This is an all-time new crazy for me. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?

With Honey, I can be more myself that I ever was able to be during 10 years of marriage. I feel comfortable, loved. I thought I knew what that was like, but I was very wrong. I really had no idea.

My real problem is, I know Honey doesn't want to be married. I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination of commitment-phobia (totally get that one!) and the fact that my 12 year old has been very vocal about not wanting a stepdad (likely from of fear of someone replacing his Dad). All of this adds up to the fact that I must get these thoughts out of my mind!

I guess I can look at it from the standpoint of my healing. If I love this man enough to say a very excited, "Yes", to a proposal, then I must be okay now. If I can say that and love him without the sheer terror of him walking away so suddenly, then I must have done a pretty good job of putting the very shattered pieces of myself back together. If I look at it like that, then maybe I'm a little less crazy that I was just a short while ago. So...maybe it's not the wine or PMS. Maybe I should just appreciate the fact that I am physically and emotionally capable of having these nutty thoughts and just leave it at that. If he ever does pop the question, at least I know that I’ll have the right answer.