Feeling More Like Mommy Dearest than June Cleaver

Have you ever felt like you're just a puppet and somewhere your master is laughing his ass off? I do. Often.

When I felt like I was good at the whole "marriage" thing, someone yanked a string and said, "Now try dating!"

Just when I felt I had mastered the art of raising kids, someone said, "Ha Ha, now try pre-teens...alone!"

I was a stay home Mom rockstar, now I'm more like the rockstar's overworked, under-appreciated assistant.

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt like I'm failing miserably at life. The kids feel like all I do is nag, I feel like Honey wants to run for the hills, and I am sinking in a pile of shit at work.

I've always been a firm believer in balance. When life seemed off-kilter, I could make a little adjustment and return balance-and peace. Now I feel as though every slight adjustment I make just causes a misalignment elsewhere.

I try to get the boys to be more responsible with their chores and homework, and end up feeling like Joan Crawford. This parenting alone shit sucks! How exactly do you discipline and enforce rules AND be the caring loving one-all the time. I'm clearly missing out on some secret trick of the trade.

I try to spend a little more time with Honey. That obviously fails as it leaves the boys feeling like I never hang with them, AND I'm typically just fucking up one thing or another anyway. I try to make him dinner cause he's working late, only I don't get it done in time. I take off early so I'll have time to cook on a busy night, and someone else rearranges my plans. I seriously can't think of one reason he is with me. AND, I'm glad he doesn't read this blog cause I certainly don't want to point that out to him.

I bust my ass day after day trying to get caught up at work, but something is always in the way. It's usually incompetent coworkers throwing me curve-balls, but that's another rant.

People! I need your help. How the hell do you balance it all?!? Did someone put a hex on me? Is there some kind of chant or dance I can do to get this off me? Must I burn sage and march backward? Seriously, I will try anything to cleanse my life of this perpetual unbalanced-ness.

I used to be good at things. I really miss that.

Back to Bliss

A truely amazing day around here. We worked hard and had some disappointment, but it felt like we did it all together. It's hard to put it in to words. There wasn't a moment that I felt unappreciated or unloved-by Honey or the boys. Everyone was just happy and considerate and caring. Honey is such a huge part of this family, and today served as a perfect reminder of that. I needed today to happen. It brought me the peace that has been missing all week.

I'm a Needy Freak

Here I thought my funk was gone, then I watched a chick flick, Dear John. Instead of making me all warm and fuzzy, it left me calling bullshit.

That is so far from reality. Are you kidding me with this whole "he loves her forever" crap?!? When exactly does that happen?

What's really bothering me is that I feel this way. I'm typically such a romantic, and I just can't figure out why I have so many negative feelings about this subject right now. I'm in love with an amazing man. As the boys would say, "he practically lives here." I still melt when he sends a sweet text, and abosultely cannot get enough of him. So...

Is it just the transition of going from just the two of us to having 3 kids around? Perhaps.

Is he showing less affection? I don't think so. He doesn't exactly scoop me up into a bear hug like he used to-like he's so glad I'm still around-whenever I show up. But that's normal, settling in to day to day life behavior.

Is he under a lot of stress right now? Yes, for sure.

Am I terrified of him leaving? Yes. Do I have any reason to think he is? No. 

Maybe I'm just a little more freaked at the thought now that I'm certain that I want to spend the rest of my life with him. Could be that. All I know is that I am craving romance like mad. I'm desperate for some sort of meaningful something that makes me feel like he's just as committed as I am. I don't need a ring or a proposal-that stuff can all wait. I just want to feel like he's in this.

He hasn't done anything wrong-not a single thing. So I just don't understand my feelings right now.

For whatever reason, I just need loads of reassurance right now. Really sucks being a girl sometimes.

General Discontent

I am having a rough time getting back into the swing of things with the boys being back. I'm bitchy and frustrated about so many things. It could be the lack of sleep, the fact that my "to do" list has returned to it's usually long state,  that work just sucks, or that Honey and I are back to NO alone time and affection. It's all just weighing on me this week, and I can't seem to get it out of my head. I'm frustrated by the way Honey and I live. I'm frustrated that Bugger Butt feels like he's not getting enough time with me, I'm frustrated that my little bitch of a babysitter bailed 2 days before she was supposed to start work. I'm frustrated that my house looks like a fucking pig sty because noone is picking up after themselves. I'm frustrated that I have so many things to do at work while others screw every little thing up. I'm frustrated that I work my ass off all day and then come home to a million more things needing to be done and have zero energy to do it.

This week, I'm just an ungrateful bitch. But, on the bright side, my sulky pre-teen came back with a great attitude.

History Has Taught Me Well...and Screwed With My Head

Honey said something tonight that really let me know where we stand. It was disheartening. Rather than panic, I chose to let all of his words sink in.

We were discussing Punkin's feelings toward him, and how it's not that he doesn't like him so much as he just doesn't like the idea of me being married to anyone. That's when Honey said, "He needs to not worry about it. It's not like we're ready to get married. I'd like to marry you some day, but right now just isn't the right time. When it's right we'll know it." So, let's just dissect this piece by piece:

"It's not like we're ready to get married." - This is where my heart sank and my brain set off warning signals-RUN! GET OUT NOW, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

"I'd like to marry you some day, but right now just isn't the time." - He who has always condemned marriage just said he'd like to marry me someday? Really?!? Interesting turn. This is where my heart rate went back to normal and the panic stopped.

"When it's right, we'll know it."- I'm really not sure where I stand on this one. A large part of me has always believed this to be true in everything, from picking a husband to choosing a Christmas tree. I have always been a wait-for-the-sign kinda girl. However, lately, I've been leaning more towards the there's-no-such-thing-as-the-perfect-time philosophy. I'm not quite sure where marriage fits in this change of mindset. Something to contemplate.

During our entire relationship, I've run into these milestones that I am ready to jump at, and he has held off. It was the same when I knew I loved him. I had to bite my tongue NOT to say it; I knew he just wasn't ready. I almost went into self-destruct mode, torturing myself about why he didn't feel the same and doubting that I really knew how much he cared. (It takes very little for me to begin doubting that I know how he feels about me. If I was so grossly wrong before, who's to say I'm right to let myself be so vulnerable now? (It's a particularly nasty divorce leftover.) I think I've learned to just slow it down and enjoy this time. He was right to hold off before; I definitely loved him more the day I finally said it than when I first realized it. He is making the right choices for us, so now it's my job to keep my feet on the ground and love the man I am with-no matter where it's going.