History Has Taught Me Well...and Screwed With My Head

Honey said something tonight that really let me know where we stand. It was disheartening. Rather than panic, I chose to let all of his words sink in.

We were discussing Punkin's feelings toward him, and how it's not that he doesn't like him so much as he just doesn't like the idea of me being married to anyone. That's when Honey said, "He needs to not worry about it. It's not like we're ready to get married. I'd like to marry you some day, but right now just isn't the right time. When it's right we'll know it." So, let's just dissect this piece by piece:

"It's not like we're ready to get married." - This is where my heart sank and my brain set off warning signals-RUN! GET OUT NOW, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!

"I'd like to marry you some day, but right now just isn't the time." - He who has always condemned marriage just said he'd like to marry me someday? Really?!? Interesting turn. This is where my heart rate went back to normal and the panic stopped.

"When it's right, we'll know it."- I'm really not sure where I stand on this one. A large part of me has always believed this to be true in everything, from picking a husband to choosing a Christmas tree. I have always been a wait-for-the-sign kinda girl. However, lately, I've been leaning more towards the there's-no-such-thing-as-the-perfect-time philosophy. I'm not quite sure where marriage fits in this change of mindset. Something to contemplate.

During our entire relationship, I've run into these milestones that I am ready to jump at, and he has held off. It was the same when I knew I loved him. I had to bite my tongue NOT to say it; I knew he just wasn't ready. I almost went into self-destruct mode, torturing myself about why he didn't feel the same and doubting that I really knew how much he cared. (It takes very little for me to begin doubting that I know how he feels about me. If I was so grossly wrong before, who's to say I'm right to let myself be so vulnerable now? (It's a particularly nasty divorce leftover.) I think I've learned to just slow it down and enjoy this time. He was right to hold off before; I definitely loved him more the day I finally said it than when I first realized it. He is making the right choices for us, so now it's my job to keep my feet on the ground and love the man I am with-no matter where it's going.

Comments

[T]

Ha ha ha! I SOOOO had to giggle at how you dissected each bit of what he said. Men know that everything they say can and will be used against them. *giggle*

Right there with ya, girl.