Sometimes You Just Let It Out
Thursday, June 3, 2010 at 10:06PM Have you ever had one of those moments where you just break down and let it all out? All those feelings and frustrations that you usually keep to yourself? I am a pretty composed person. I think twice before saying anything, and I very rarely just tell anyone exactly how I feel about anything. But tonight was different. I didn't exactly let loose and put it all out there, but I did say just enough that the tears started flowing.
I have a strict rule in my house about men sleeping over. It's not allowed. This is a rule that I created when my ex moved in his first girlfriend, many have followed. I want to show my sons that there is a different way. However, they are gone for 6 weeks. In my emotional little head, that means I have 6 weeks to soak up all the romance, all the affection that I miss out on the other 46 weeks out of the year. Honey disagrees. He doesn't want to get used to sleeping over and such and then have to go back to the way things normally are. Now, logically, this makes sense to me. The problem lies in the fact that I don't want to think logically right now; I don't have to. I don't have to plan out every minute. I don't have to coordinate school, after-school activities, sleepovers, and my work schedule. I just want to enjoy what I usually don't get to enjoy. I want long walks on the beach, candles, flowers, hottubs, hotel rooms-all the things which are IMPOSSIBLE with my normal lifestyle. I want some fucking romance. And since I'm not married, you'd think it would be a possibility. I know that 99% of what I want is still impossible to get, and that's perfectly fine. It's not like my happiness hinges on it. I just really want something a little extra special. It doesn't mean I don't enjoy what I already have. This is just my only chance to get a little bit more; something to tide me over for another year. It would just be nice to have those memories months from now when I'm back in the thick of daily parenting on my own. And, it would occasionally be nice if men had that same emotional need. If they only understood this to such a degree that they didn't just provide it because we say so or burst in to tears, but because they wanted to have those same memories and experiences with us. It would really have made my night a lot less tearful.
Darby
As it turns out, Honey was completely right about not wanting to sleep over while the boys were away. He did eventually stay a few nights. Now the boys are back and his daughter is here. We went from 100% alone time with "sleepovers" to NO alone time. It's tough. I loved the nights he stayed over-more than I thought I would. He knew we would like it (a lot) and then it would end, and he knew that it would make the transition back into the real world more difficult. It did. Damn it.
Reader Comments (2)
Oh - this stuff is so tough! My ex is living with someone so I don't want to show that to my daughter - I want to show her marriage and commitment. But my boyfriend and I did start overnights after 10 months of dating when we figured out this was for keeps....still, it's hard to monitor...I'm sensitive to not having it be all the time which would essentially be like living together. Not sure I am totally successful. SIGH! I can never tell what's right or wrong and sometimes it all feels like I'm picking the wrong option...but thank god then the sun comes up again on a new day and I seem to feel better...:-).
Listen, we'll never mess them up as much as they would be if we stayed in theose marriages, right? RIGHT!
Here is a hug!
Swati
ps Thanks for coming by my blog :-)
Wow, REALLY? He doesn't want to sleep over at all?!?
I don't know... if you can do a one night a week no-Honey night with your boys, you'd think he could at least give you one night a week while they're gone... You'd think? Right?
I'm not helping. I'm sorry. But then again, I let my bf sleep over whenever I see him! So... anyway...