Tonight's rambling blog is brought to you by Two Rivers Chardonnay...or perhaps PMS. If the wine is behind these twisted thoughts, then perhaps this is simply a rambling of the truth that I am coming to realize. If it is PMS, then Mother Nature is an evil bitch who loves playing with my mind. You see, I've been thinking...
I wish we were heading towards marriage. . There it is....the innermost workings of my brain written out for the entire world to see.
If you knew me, you would probably be gasping for air right now. And, there's a reason that no one who actually knows me reads this blog. (Shh...it's a secret.) This is my place to let out the truely irrational thoughts which possess my mind. If I told my closest friends, they'd begin planning a wedding. They'd ask questions that I don't want to answer. Something like, "When are you getting married?" or "When is he going to propose?" Both questions that bug the hell out of me. I'm just not the type of girl who dreams of weddings-actually, I hate them. I never, ever thought that I would actually want to share my life with someone again. I mean never. Since my very first night on my own, I have loved it. I mean really, really enjoyed life.
Is it the fact that we've just spent our first significant amount of time alone together? Am I afraid that I won't be content with our "normal" life once the kids return? (Seriously, it's like we're married-without the sex or anything nearing affection.) Or...are these just irrational girlie thoughts brought on by an extreme case of PMS? The problem is I DON'T KNOW.
I have actually found myself picturing us getting married! This is odd behavior for me. I am much more likely to picture horrid, awful things happening. I've been known to actually consider what I would do if I lost someone I loved-as in plan out every detail. I am constantly planning in my head (planning is an obsession of mine). I anticipate the worst possible scenario and plan how best to cope with it. It's who I am-the person who is always waiting for the bottom to drop out of my perfect life. I'm just sick and twisted that way. But this? Weddings? This is an all-time new crazy for me. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH ME?!?
With Honey, I can be more myself that I ever was able to be during 10 years of marriage. I feel comfortable, loved. I thought I knew what that was like, but I was very wrong. I really had no idea.
My real problem is, I know Honey doesn't want to be married. I can't be certain, but I'm pretty sure it's a combination of commitment-phobia (totally get that one!) and the fact that my 12 year old has been very vocal about not wanting a stepdad (likely from of fear of someone replacing his Dad). All of this adds up to the fact that I must get these thoughts out of my mind!
I guess I can look at it from the standpoint of my healing. If I love this man enough to say a very excited, "Yes", to a proposal, then I must be okay now. If I can say that and love him without the sheer terror of him walking away so suddenly, then I must have done a pretty good job of putting the very shattered pieces of myself back together. If I look at it like that, then maybe I'm a little less crazy that I was just a short while ago. So...maybe it's not the wine or PMS. Maybe I should just appreciate the fact that I am physically and emotionally capable of having these nutty thoughts and just leave it at that. If he ever does pop the question, at least I know that I’ll have the right answer.