My boys have been gone for exactly 16 days. When I looked it up on the calender to give you an exact number, I re-counted 3 times. It feels much longer. I have spoken to them one time. My oldest has texted me 6 times-most of which weren't nice. And tonight when I logged on to Facebook to spy on them-to feel like I knew some of what was going on with them-I discovered that my 12 yr-old had listed his parents as being his Dad and his grandmother-not me. Not the one who puts a roof over his head, not the one who does his laundry, knows the names of all his friends and girlfriends, not the one who cares about his grades, or how he's coping with his Dad's decision to leave. He didn't choose me. But through the tears and wine, I learned a valuable truth. They will grow up to be whatever they choose to be. To live their life how they choose, and no matter what happens, two things will remain: I will know that I gave them every opportunity to choose the right path and that I will not be alone.
As I was ranting, crying and drinking my wine, Honey was here to listen, to care, and to cut me a single pink rose to try and make me smile. Many times during our weekend away, I thought about how much more comfortable I am with him than I ever have been with anyone. With him, I can be myself. I can eat chocolate in bed, take forever to get ready, need to pee every single hour on a long car-ride, and I can be my goofy self. And, he loves me for all of those things. I've never experienced that before. During 10 years of what I thought was a good marriage, I never felt that comfortable. I never felt like I could have my own feelings about things and just lay it all out for someone else to hear. Honey gives me that. So tonight, when I had that moment of wanting to just give up on my kids, I was able to say it and he knew that it was just my broken heart talking. He knew to grab the closet thing that would make me smile and to let me know that he would always be here. Out of a horrible, crappy moment, he was able to show me that everything would be fine. I really don't know how I would survive without him. Scary, but true.