He's Still Their Dad

Twice every day I drive by my old house. The one that I considered my dream home. The one my ex and I bought as the perfect place to raise our boys-just across from the elementary school, double lot, granite counters, etc. There is never a minute that I wish I still called it home, but I know my boys feelings aren't the same as mine. They wish things had never changed. They went from having an ideal life to this jumbled mess of custody battles and single-parenthood. They don’t have a Mom waiting for them with warm cookies when they get home from school; they have one who is working hard at balancing a full-time job, kids, and a serious relationship. They don’t have a Dad who teaches them how to handle bullies or catch a fish; they have one who chose to move 1200 miles away from them and spends his monthly visits at bars with his friends. They don’t like the people we’ve become-be it busy and frazzled or selfish and drunk.

But, the most interesting thing I have noticed is that they don’t blame anyone. I could go on and on about the way my ex treats his kids and the pain he has caused us all. I can tell you a hundred reasons why he is a horrible role model and shouldn’t see them at all. But, that’s just not the way it works. Kids see their parents in a different light than we see one another. They aren’t blind to our faults; they love us despite them. They sometimes know what he does is wrong, but it doesn’t change the fact that he’s their Dad. Even though his existence makes raising two good men more challenging and my life a nightmare at times, he still has a place in their lives.

Many single parents have to choose to what extent they let the other be involved in their kid’s lives, and in some situations, it really is best that the child not be exposed to the other parent. But, I think in most cases, it’s a matter of parents not seeing the simple truth from the kid’s perspective. Even though I often wish he’d throw himself off a cliff, they love him. As single parents, it is our job to keep our emotions out of the mix and help our kids cope with these losers that we gave to them. I occasionally remind myself of this as we drive by our old house on the way to school and look at it from differing points of view; that two-story brick home is a physical reminder of my nightmare coming true and their long-lost dream.

Comments

[T]

Gosh, ain't it the truth? Great post. So true. We project all of our crap on their relationship instead of just letting it be what it is. And to each kid, its something different.

Wonderful post.