Same Old Problem, New Day

One of the biggest struggles I've had with this whole "single parenting" thing is finding the right balance between my devotion to my boys and my desire to teach them that the world doesn't revolve around them. I try so hard to keep the boys and H happy, to make sure that they feel as loved as they are. It's pretty amazing to me how much time I actually spend thinking about their moods and ways to make things work better for everyone.

I have never wanted to spoil my kids, to make them feel as if they are the center of the universe. But now that I'm the only one raising them, they are the center of my world. At times I try to balance it all by showing them that I have needs of my own-like sitting down and reading a full page of a flippin' book without being interrupted. But my attempts always seem to backfire; they seem to feel as if they're not wanted.

I just can't quite get a grasp on how to show them all the love and devotion I feel for them without letting them run my life. I have fully accepted the sacrifices a single mom makes, but H and I should also be able to watch a movie or finish a conversation without constant interruption. It's not like these boys are toddlers. But, I guess when it comes to this issue, they kind of are that needy. Problem is, this Mom only has so much attention to apply in one day and their needs seem to double that. Guess it's part of them needing-or being used to having-two parents instead of one.

Maybe someday we'll all accept that we're stuck with just me.

Happy Birthday to Me!

Today is my 33rd birthday. I didn't exactly get any gifts from the men in my life-my boys or my Honey. Men just sort of suck at the gift giving thing. But despite that, and all my whining, I certainly feel loved and appreciated. Let me explain.

We had a horrible week. We have good weeks and bad weeks, and I try to balance them the best I can. But, this week sucked. I was over-the-top busy at work with an all-day staff retreat, a major proposal due, and a deadline looming for the switch over to a new time tracking system. We had parent/teacher conferences on a night when Honey and I also got into a fight due to complete ridiculous-ness on both our parts. Another day, my computer crashed and lost all my updates on the 80+ page proposal that I had worked on until midnight, and I got the call no Mom wants from the school- "Mom, I think I broke my wrist." Needless to say, I didn't meet the deadline to ship the proposal, and spent the whole night in Urgent Care. (Punkin either cracked or chipped a bone in his wrist. We see an ortho on Tuesday.) After a week of virtually no sleep, I have been spent, stressed, and bitchy.

When you read that, you only see the complete shit which was my week. What you don't see are the wonderful occurances. Even though Honey didn't have the time (or any good ideas) for a gift, he certainly went out of his way to make me feel special. He brought me a coffee on Saturday morning to celebrate my birthday weekend, danced with me last night, and showed up with a ton of tulips and made breakfast this morning. Even though the boys didn't buy me a gift, Bugger-Butt made me a lovely origami heart and Punkin came to me very first thing this morning to tell me happy birthday. Despite our crazy, bitchy, painful week, they love me. They made sure that I know that.

Yesterday, I was all doom and gloom about this day coming and knowing that there would be no gifts. I spent too much time feeling sorry for myself because I don't have the money to go out and buy myself any of the things I need and want. I live a life surrounded by men, and I know they are challenged when it comes to gift giving. But, I feel loved. Sometimes it just takes a little bit of understanding that their brains don't work like mine and they are doing their best.

 As it turns out, their best is perfectly good enough to make a woman like me perfectly happy.

Not Wanting it to End

For the first time in a while, I felt like we were a family. I felt that life was balanced and everyone was happy. Too often lately I have felt like my life is divided into pieces, and it ends of tearing me apart. Today was different. I felt more loved, more at ease knowing that I wasn't pulled in different directions. And at the end of the day, I received the perfect text from Honey saying what I most needed to hear.

Being in this no-mans-land between dating and marriage is hard on me. Add to that the screwed-up post-divorce workings of my brain and I feel like an emotional mine field. The sane side of me wishes we'd make the leap; the non-commital freak side waits for him to walk away. I think the hardest part is that we don't talk about it, but at the same time, my emotionally scarred side likes it that way.

But today I was at peace. I just really don't want it to end.

Feeling More Like Mommy Dearest than June Cleaver

Have you ever felt like you're just a puppet and somewhere your master is laughing his ass off? I do. Often.

When I felt like I was good at the whole "marriage" thing, someone yanked a string and said, "Now try dating!"

Just when I felt I had mastered the art of raising kids, someone said, "Ha Ha, now try pre-teens...alone!"

I was a stay home Mom rockstar, now I'm more like the rockstar's overworked, under-appreciated assistant.

For the past couple of weeks, I've felt like I'm failing miserably at life. The kids feel like all I do is nag, I feel like Honey wants to run for the hills, and I am sinking in a pile of shit at work.

I've always been a firm believer in balance. When life seemed off-kilter, I could make a little adjustment and return balance-and peace. Now I feel as though every slight adjustment I make just causes a misalignment elsewhere.

I try to get the boys to be more responsible with their chores and homework, and end up feeling like Joan Crawford. This parenting alone shit sucks! How exactly do you discipline and enforce rules AND be the caring loving one-all the time. I'm clearly missing out on some secret trick of the trade.

I try to spend a little more time with Honey. That obviously fails as it leaves the boys feeling like I never hang with them, AND I'm typically just fucking up one thing or another anyway. I try to make him dinner cause he's working late, only I don't get it done in time. I take off early so I'll have time to cook on a busy night, and someone else rearranges my plans. I seriously can't think of one reason he is with me. AND, I'm glad he doesn't read this blog cause I certainly don't want to point that out to him.

I bust my ass day after day trying to get caught up at work, but something is always in the way. It's usually incompetent coworkers throwing me curve-balls, but that's another rant.

People! I need your help. How the hell do you balance it all?!? Did someone put a hex on me? Is there some kind of chant or dance I can do to get this off me? Must I burn sage and march backward? Seriously, I will try anything to cleanse my life of this perpetual unbalanced-ness.

I used to be good at things. I really miss that.

In 23 Days...

        ...two very special people will be moving very far away.

If you've ever been through a traumatic experience, you surely have a handful of people who hold a special place in your heart because they helped you survive. I have five-two of which are leaving. We are more like family than friends. We're not as much a part of one another's daily lives anymore. But, we know that we can call on each other day or night. When they finally got engaged, they showed up at my door with champagne. When they gave birth to their beautiful baby, I was there. They are my family here.

Most of our memories together aren't the kind you would want to re-live. They involve him retrieving a gun for me and her running me a bath and letting me cry in her lap as I fell asleep on their sofa-more than once. They were my safe haven for more than a year.

I don't need that from them anymore, but I can't imagine not having them to fall back on. When they leave, there will certainly be a hole in my heart and in my life. The sad part is that no one really understands that like the three of us.